Lately

I’ve been making bold career decisions lately,  and it has been such a crazy ride for me. This is my first job, the one I literally panicked for, the one I said, ‘I really wanna stay here and grow.’, the one I visualized myself walking in the lobby being all smug. But what happened?

Life.

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when I just didn’t give a fvck anymore. I’m sorry for the swear word, but it’s true. It’s just always going to be one of the moments when you say to yourself, ‘oh, this moment will pass. This is just one of those weak days.’ A day turns into a week, a week into a month, and after almost two years — 80% of what I learned was because I observe, I read, I listen. My first day was as clear as I remember, me being pushed doing tasks I wasn’t even given training for. But that’s not the point.

When people will read this, they’ll think, ‘oh, she’s just a newbie. She doesn’t know anything about the struggles of working. She’s just being selfish.’ Am I? Well maybe I am. I am, because I know what I am capable of, and I am so much capable of doing much more rather than memorizing the answer keys and giving out exam instructions everyday for the past two years. The. Same. Old. Instructions. For. Almost. Two. Years. I know I sound frustrated, but I guess I have the right to be. Life doesn’t stop for anyone, and as an eager noobie who wants to suck the marrow out of life before it’s too late, yes, I want to explore, and challenge myself to go through hell and back, as long as it’s worth the ride. But now? I don’t even want to get out of bed anymore.

It sucks, because I love the people here. I love working with these active, funny and passionate people. And they are one of the biggest reasons I stayed. I stayed because I want to believe that there is something for me out here, something special, something else, but I guess it’s not enough. It has been one of the toughest weeks of my life, my mind thinking of infinite possibilities of what utter chaos would happen if I choose to leave. But I need to. I need to. I’m done waiting.

People will always leave, that’s just a fact of life. People come, people go.

But wherever we are in this Earth, we will look at the same moon.