The Cycle

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Is this what we really imagined our life to be? Is this what we thought what would happen after graduation? What if I pursued another job? Another company? Perhaps, another degree?

Everyday we come home to a house where everyone else are sound asleep. And you are engulfed  by the deafening silence. You put your bag down, change your clothes, and lie in bed. “The day is done”, you tell yourself. But your mind runs off somewhere, restless. You might be thinking about work, if you completed all your tasks for the day, and you then think about the work you’d do the next day. It’s all a cycle…..

You wake up the next day feeling tired, but hopeful it’ll all turn around. Thing is, we always lift ourselves up whenever we worry about something. We distract ourselves with the fact that this is work, this is our job, this is what we’re supposed to do. We are young, and free. We don’t have to worry about the future, at least not yet. We push ourselves to exert so much effort into our job, our hearts and souls — because an identity crisis at 22 isn’t enough to wreck us. And sometimes, at the end of the day, that’s just not enough.

You have to carry your own sunshine in this gloomy world. There will be times that it will be pouring, everything will go against you, everything will walk out on you, and you will feel emptier than you’ve ever been, because we have been looking forward to this moment — freedom. In today’s industry, our jobs will eat us like maggots — spits us out leaving us weary. But this is it, this is the struggle. This is how we live our life, in that struggle comes our determination and persistence. Success never came easy for anyone. Coming home late almost every night will leave you questioning if everything’s worth it — the late nights, the overtime work, going the extra mile (whatever the hell that means), going beyond what is expected of you. Is that all worth it?

I may not be able to answer this question for you. I, myself, am dealing with conflicts above and beyond my control which is something always normal for me, I guess. Last week, our senior director told us something that struck me, not because of the fact that I was surprised, but how she relayed the immense truth of success — sacrifice. She told us that every step of the ladder up requires sacrifice in some way, maybe sleep, leisure, time, whatever. And in that moment, I realized how simple and complicated success is. Everyday I always ask myself if this is worth the heartache and stress because let’s face it, there will be always be job vacancies whatever and wherever they may be. Question is, if you’re willing to stick with it for a while.

This week has been a horrifying five days for me. (Actually, six — i went to the office on a saturday) The work load and pressure was making me crazy. And people noticed. My friends bought me donuts and chocolates to make me feel better. I semi ugly-cried in the restaurant alone one time. I always had moments of weakness, but then I move on and do the work given. I was always like that. I guess, at the end of the day, between the routinely dinners and the long commute home, I think about all the people I’ve helped get a job, that I am somehow made an impact to their lives and the fact that they will now be able to provide for their families and alleviate in whatever situation they’re in. That is good enough for me.

Whatever struggle we’re facing, makes us human. This is the beauty of life, and in every struggle there will be pain and heartache, but there will also be joy and triumph. And you must be willing to experience both to achieve something beautiful.

The year that was 2016

I had quite the moment gathering these photos for this post. I like taking photos of the places I’ve been in (some even ugly photos), but still, the beauty remains. It makes me feel like I left a part of my soul in these places. Would that mean I’ve got little left? *shrugs

I’ve taken photos of sunrises and sunsets of the ocean, dusks and dawn, concerts where I sang, nope, screamed, at the top of my lungs, mountain highlands in Bacolod and we went there while it was raining, skyscrapers in Singapore, ancient mansions in Silay, museums in Cebu, parks and playgrounds the city, my alma mater that I visited because I was hoping to get another alumni ID since I lost mine, at the local restaurant where my family and I always eat lunch or dinner (great food by the way), beach house in Catmon where almost everyone got drunk (except me), fireworks in Sinulog because we all know Cebu parties the best, the tranquil ocean in Dumanjug where my sister and I spent a night in my uncle’s rest house and I was pretty sure I slept like a baby, the pool house in Talisay where the office spent the Christmas party together and intact because a few months everything changed, the beach front where my friends’ stopped for a while and admired the afternoon sun along with our selfies (haha), the beautiful and aesthetically pleasing church where my cousin got married in, because you can never take enough photos of aesthetically pleasing places am I right am I right, BadBoyWingz where my office mates and I devoured chicken wings, we didn’t even order much because it was a bit pricey, but damn that place has some nice light fixtures, one of the family favorites and one of my so-so likes – Papa Kits Fishing Lagoon in Lilo-an, where we spend random Sundays fishing, swimming, wall-climbing, eating, swimming, some more eating, drinking coffee – yes, in that order.

It has been a hell of a year, all the emotional turmoil, mixed with joy and disappointments. I don’t know about you but it has been a productive year. On some days I have cried my eyes out for the things I wished I would’ve done, or things I would’ve changed. But on some days, I feel like a sunshine radiating on everyone and asking if they’ve had enough scoops on their ice cream. I’ve had my fair share of ROFL-ing and LOL-ing, and I’ve come to realize that this year has been entirely about me taking risks and letting go, because damn it, I am twenty-two, and it’s about time I live my life the way I want it. That being said, I have understood my family better, why they do this, why my parents sometimes don’t allow me to hang out, why my sisters are overprotective (sometimes), the way things work – taxes, paying bills, grieving, hopelessly moving on from something that has never even started, babies, death, more babies, the glitzy politics of work, and the idea that there can never be too much love for another human being, because sometimes, it all just falls into place.

I have grown a deeper sense of appreciation for art and music – because, simply put, they were there for me when I was not entirely myself. They made sure that I always put my feet on the ground, and remind me of who I am and what I value. I don’t know much about art and music, I just believe that they are there to disturb and comfort you in all aspects of life.

I know I still have so much more to discover about this so-called life and the intricacies of online shopping, but I hope 2017 will be as much adventure as 2016 has brought me.

There can never be too much of the places I’ll explore.
Happy Holidays!
(twg)

Puzzles

It must have been a good five minute stare at the screen before I ever got to write anything. But, here it goes.

I must have knocked myself over when I thought for a second that love was the easiest thing in the world. Way back when I was naïve and ignorant, I would’ve thought that it is something easy. I am currently slapping 14 year old me, filled with childish ideas and daydreams only to find out that it is not a walk in the park.

My friends, it is a goddamn roller coaster. With like, fire in it.

Love is shitty. Love is wonderful. Love is madness. Love is growth. Love is connection.

But love, is not enough. Timing is important. Understanding is important. And hell, attraction is important. No, not the physical kind of attraction; the kind of attraction that you can’t get away from, something like a magnet.

I’ve never had a boyfriend, he has to be amazing to change that, almost did though. Haha. I would say that my experience has changed me. I learned a lot. I have a soft heart in this cruel, harsh world. I guess that’s what’s gone wrong. Ironic, isn’t it?

Love is saying to the other person, “I am laying myself to you. I thank you. I forgive you. I accept you for who you are. I accept your past, the painful remnants of you. I accept your present, who you are and what you stand for. I accept your future, with or without me in it.”

Like I said, love is shitty. It is the shittiest thing there is. With our individual and unique personalities, who would’ve thought some people would fit like puzzle pieces? That’s the beauty and the shit of it. We are puzzle pieces trying to find our match in this world. Fortunately for some, their piece fit someone’s perfectly for the first time. No harm done there, buddy. But for some, most of us, aren’t so lucky. In the process, there is pain. Let me tell you. If you hurt someone, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. We are human beings, capable of hurting and being hurt. And oh – the pain is dreadful. It turns you into someone else. For a moment, you would say you have the worst life possible and begin to question why it happened to you. Beats me, nobody knows. And when you’re all alone surrounded by the shroud of doubts and regrets, you begin to really think, “Why me?” Horrifying, right?

Love is also horrifying. It is terrifying. It could begin and end in a moment. Now, the beginning thing, is the best part. But the ending, especially the outcome that involves you guys breaking up and resenting each other for life? Damn. That shit is horrifying. But, if both of you are mature enough to accept that your pieces don’t fit, good for you. You have something we call, a very good emotional foundation.

Love is beautiful. Of course, who would debate on this? Inspiration coming out within you is wonderful. Waking up in love is such a joy. You’d think you are definitely floating on cloud nine. You go to work inspired. You go home inspired. Good for you. Heads up though, it doesn’t last that long. You begin to encounter arguments, fights about little things. But you enjoy it, because what relationship is interesting without some love quarrel, am I right? But the fights get bigger, and you begin to realize that your beliefs and principles don’t seem to fit in the long run. You believe this, he/she argues. But that’s what love is. Love is challenging yourself to grow and think out of the box, reaching your full potential. Now, the critical moment comes, if the person you are with understands the fact that you are some inexperienced schmuck who is willing to learn from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships. Some don’t. Believe me, some don’t.

Love is an amazing feeling. It completes every fiber of you, and challenges you to grow and be the best version of yourself. Who knows? The lucky schmuck might be doing the same thing for you too.

And someday, you’ll find the perfect puzzle piece.

 

But for now, do the growing yourself.

 

 

 

 

50 questions

What better way to spend a rainy lazy night than answering 50 random questions? Actually, they’re not so random. I saw them while reading berlin-artsparasites.

So, let’s begin.

1: What would you name your future daughter?

-I have no idea But, given the spur of the moment, I like Zara. Or Alaska.

2: Do you miss anyone?

-“Missing” is a relative term. But I’d like to think so. Yes.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

-This isn’t a question that I need to answer, right? Right? Okay. I’ll say thank you.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

-Nope.


5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

-Sleep. And other fun things.


6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

-Last night, I was at work. Mixed emotions.


7: How late did you stay up last night?

-I think, I stayed up till 12 in the morning. 


8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

-Yeah. 


9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

-Got my hair done.


10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

-Unfortunate.


11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

-Yes.


12: Have you pretended to like someone?

-Yep.


13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

-Yes, i definitely could.


14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

-Yes, of course.


15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

-I have yet to try that one. 


16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

-Single 20 years ago, single now.


17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

-Yas. I have done this sometimes.


18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

-Yes, *looking at you Nika bread*


19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

-Nope.


20: Who did you last see in person?

-Sister!


21: What is the last thing you said out loud?

-“LUGAR LANG!!!!”


22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

-Not really.


23: Have you ever been to Paris?

-I hope to.


24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

-Sometimes yes, sometimes no.


25: Do you use chap stick?

-Something like that.


26: Who did you last share a bed with?

-Sister!


27: Are you listening to music right now?

-Nope. I’m listening to the sounds the toads make.


28: What is something you currently want right now?

-Sleep.


29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

-WAT


30: How is your heart lately?

-It’s good. It’s functioning. It’s well fed.


31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

-Sometimes.


32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

-Last week, I think.


33: What do people call you?

-My name. Nicknames.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

-Tons of times.


35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

-Of course.


36: What are you listening to right now?

-Just answered this a while ago.


37: What is wrong with you right now?

-Head is aching.


38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

-It is. But beauty eventually fades.


39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

-I made a wish once, it was stupid.


40: What is on your wrists right now?

-Scrungy. 


41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

-I am everything.


42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

-School.


43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

-Nah.


44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

-Yeah.


45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

-Yeah, parents.


46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

-Watching television.


47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

-Six months ago was March. Yes.


48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

-Depends.


49: Have you ever been to New York?

-Nope


50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

-I hope so.

After a while

After a while, you will realize that you have been living life the wrong way, that you will lose sight of what’s important, and you will regret the moment you choose not to feel alive.

After a while, you will appreciate the heartache and sadness that people have put you through, that the crookedness in your heart will forever be there, yes, but these shards will fit someone else’s crooked heart, and their pieces will fill yours.

After a while, you will learn to value the clarity in your eyes; the first drop of snowflake falling onto your nose; the smell of a home-cooked meal being placed on your table; a single touch that electrifies your senses; words that linger; fleeting moments that will make you big and small at the same time. You will realize that the world has so much to offer, and we will learn to cherish the mortality of us, that we will forever be gone, everything will be forgotten. Everything will be lost.

After a while, you will realize that the spaces between our fingers are created for someone else’s; that one day, someone will hold our hand, reminding us that we are capable of feeling everything with a single touch, a single word, a single look. That someday, we will wake up in the morning next to a person who will love us for who we are, the ugly, the beautiful, the chaotic, the confusing, the fragile. In that moment, we will realize that spark of hope, despite the chaos in this world, that life is worthwhile after all.

04/13

It’s funny, you have all these expectations inside your head, carefully planning. Everything that you thought would happen didn’t. And everyone I thought would happen did. It’s kind of an interesting thing, I realize. I’ve come to a point where I attribute some events to destiny, or fate or whatever that is. It was a comfort of mine, to rely on those mystical events to reason out what I really didn’t want to happen. Saying this at 1am does not make it any easier, I’m sleepy, yet I’m restless. Maybe everything does seem different to someone because you perceive it differently. Expecting something to happen really is the root of all heart/head ache. And it’s sad and relieving to realize that at this point in time. It is. I don’t really know what I’m going with this, I’ve had a pretty crazy day and the transpired events seem to relish and will remain in my memory, for the time being. I can’t make a point in this post because I don’t know what the point is, really. All I know is that I can’t sleep, and I can’t stop typing senseless strings of sentences. Oh look! A lot of S’s (inside joke). Hope all will be well.

Happy 20-ish birthday, Askhole!

From one askhole to another 😀

The Unsaid

Askhole   (noun)

– a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

GMCG.

This has been one of the inside jokes we had. Happy 20th TWENTY-ish birthday Gayle! As much as I want to receive written letters, I really want to give them that much (of course, to special people like you wahehe). I will never get tired of hearing stories about food, poems, words, movies, music, books, HIMYM, writing and hopia stories.  Thank you for the years of friendship, from our nene-days (1st year college) up to now. You were one of those few (I mean really few) people that I can talk to without me getting worried of making an ass of myself while telling you those  stories because I know you understood what I meant.

You were a proof that one doesn’t have had a boyfriend just…

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