Obscure

Hello! I feel a little guilty for not sharing this ahead of time, I don’t know why, that’s strange. But, um, I’m in Singapore right now. It’s been two weeks since I got here. And I don’t really have the eagerness to write about it. It’s quite sad, noh?

Well, like they say, this usually takes time. I’m here for work, which I still currently looking for, by the way. It’s hard here. I mean, of course, I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t say the idea of living without my parents didn’t excite me. It’s just that, I didn’t actually think everything would be like this. The places are great, and the people are okay. I’ve gotten a couple of pictures. Maybe I’ll post it here once I’ve got the “enthusiasm”. Oh well. Adjustments are never easy. Honestly, I think that everything just overwhelmed me, I didn’t transition well. I felt like just going to another place for vacation, and going back in a week or so. But it wasn’t like that. Right now, I’m both happy and sad, and like Charlie (Perks of being a Wallflower), I’m still figuring out how that could be. But on the other hand, I am truly truly grateful and blessed to have been supported by my family. I just wish I could’ve exchanged the same enthusiasm for them. Maybe someday….

Well, everyone has got detours in their lives, and this is probably mine. I don’t know where I’m at, at this point of my life, it’s confusing and lost. But then again, humans as we are, we all experience this.

Anything can be a lesson, if you really think about it. This is part of growing up. So many things are happening at the same time and it’s kind of getting the best of me, which, sucks. I know it shouldn’t. I’m taking one day at a time, I’m allowed to be like this, right?

Right.

We all need darkness sometimes. Through that darkness, we can find cracks of light somewhere. And then we let it in. We let the light in, and everything will be okay.

Note to self: Don’t be dragged down by negativity. Push yourself to learn from everything. Absorb every experience. The good ones, the bad ones. Thank yourself later.

Waves and rain

I was sitting by the ocean and was thinking about my life, how it was, how it is, and how it will be. All of them are asleep, exhausted from the trip, I guess. I carry with me my ever-ready, black jacket that my dad gave me. I make my way to the shore, I look around and I notice a small group of people huddled up by the bonfire a few meters away. They seem asleep, too. I wonder if I’m the only one awake. I feel the strong breeze hit my face, inhaling the fresh wind. It’s been three days since she died, I thought, everything would’ve been different. As I sat and wondered about my so-called life, the crashing waves seemed to get bigger, and stronger, fiercer. It seems as though it made me feel what a stupid person I am. I thought so too. What a stupid, stupid girl. That’s me.

“Existential crisis over the crashing waves again, are we?”

I look over my shoulder, and see him.

“You weren’t called my best friend for nothing.” I smiled and offered him a seat next to me.

“IS. I’m still your best friend, okay?”

“Ha. Yeah.”

“So….. how are you?”

I look at his face, even when the darkness descends, I can still see his big black eyes staring at me. Are eyes allowed to be that big and that black? His question reeks of hesitation, and guilt, and everything else in between.

“How are you awake, by the way?” I ask him curiously, like the question wasn’t curious enough.

“I don’t get much sleep these days.”

“Same goes for me.”

I wanted to ask him the question that’s been bothering me all week. This is the first time we talked since, the incident. The waves grow stronger, urging me to get the answer that I wanted, that I needed.

“Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you won’t answer. It’s just that.. it’s been bothering me the whole time. And I don’t know if I’m the only one. I just, I can’t.”

A few tears drop. I wipe it with the jacket and pretend like nothing happened. But I know he saw it.

He shots a knowing look at me, and says, “I know. It’s been bothering me too. It’s just so fast. I sometimes have dreams of her, of her face, of her laughs, and I still can’t believe it.”

I know he’s holding back tears. It’s been so hard for all of us. That’s why they gave us all this free trip, to get our minds off things. But it doesn’t help. The waves shout her name. Lily. Like the flower. But taken away too early. I was in my room when I got the call from her mother. I thought Lily went to one her art wanderings in museums, and her mom was worried. But it wasn’t. She told me that Lily got hit by a van, and she died on the spot. The ambulance came and tried to do everything, but it was to no avail. She was already dead. I just wish she was in the museums. But I guess now she was. She’s a lost piece of art, gone forever.

“I see her everywhere. I see her in the ocean, floating. I see her when I look in the mirror.” I can’t hold back my tears now. I’m practically howling. People might suspect a wolf on the loose.

Steadily, he looks at me, never yielding, then he uttered, “You know, when I first heard that she died, my world stopped literally. I think I skipped a beat. I couldn’t move. I was cut out from the world for a short period of time. It was like I got lost again. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to be found.” He grabs my jacket and puts it on our heads.

I just noticed it started raining.

Questions

Why do we always want something we can’t have?

Is it a glitch in the human brain? Aren’t we supposed to be well-aware that once we know we can’t have a certain thing, we back off? We forget about it, because what’s the point of fighting and hassling yourself over things you can’t even have?

In life, we can actually do it both ways. We either want what we get, or we get what we want. But what if we can’t?

How would we know we can’t have it if we haven’t tried getting it in the first place?

Everything starts with a question.

And it sucks we don’t even have the slightest clue to the answer.

Quickie

For all my life, I’ve been told to wait. Wait your turn in the restroom, wait for your order from the restaurant, wait for the time until you’re older. I mean, why? Beats me. We just follow these things. And I just don’t know why. But for the sake of this quickie, I learned something this summer. Waiting actually sucks. Why not just grab that plate over the counter and remind the waiter that you’re not some robot without a stomach. Yes, it might sound a little weird. But I guess, waiting probably is for the better. If you’re pushed into something good without waiting, it’ll be just like any other thing, you ask for it, you get it, the end. The satisfaction is different. But that’s not the case in this life. You wait because it’s worth it. You wait for that plate of baked scallops or pizza pan that you’ve been craving for a month now, and when it comes, oh, it’ll be the best moment in your life. I know food sounds strange as a metaphor, but hey, who cares, it’s not like I’m keeping this blog private so my friends can’t read my posts. Wink

 

First of Summer

I’m twenty!

Where did the last twenty years of my life go by, huh?

I’m not really sure, but I always knew that whatever I did in those years, good or bad, I chose to do it.

So…. summer vacation? I smell 24/7 internet surfing and eating all day! Yes, you are exactly right. I am living the life of a lazy bum. But who isn’t? From the school wreckage that I was the past semester and grades aren’t released yet, I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself for what’s worst.

It’s April 5 though, so I guess I’m pretty much unstable on my body clock. I was really hoping I could be real productive this summer, since I did a lot of stress eating and food binging and no exercise, why not spend a few minutes exercising? Meh, plans are all there is.

Being twenty isn’t really bad at all, I mean yeah when your relatives ask you and you awkwardly answer that you’re twenty is kind of strange and you realize you’re not a teen anymore, but who cares? I mean, you can always put a teen in twenty — twenteen.

It’s all a matter of perspective, folks. How you see things definitely influence you. And I’m not saying that to sound mature and all, but yeah, I guess it’s time I be a little more responsible and be aware of what’s happening. So, everyday, my routine starts off with me getting up at almost noon, eating lunch, taking a bath (yay!), then browse articles from day to night, whatever articles they may be, entertainment, news, nonsense stuff, anything at all! I just find comfort in reading interesting things all day. Then I eat.

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I sleep like 10 – 12 hours a day, not bad right? Just making sure I gain the sleep I lost a month ago. I watch movies from day until dawn, I’m going to write a post about it soon, so yeah. It’s a casual schedule, in between those are naps and random dance offs in the mirror. Oh yeah, casual.

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And then boom, FOOD! I have this weird ritual at night that I eat a spoonful of nutella or two, then I eat a slice of cake or two, then eat junkfood. It’s been crazy. Good thing the cake is gone. So that’s that. I try to think of myself in my school uniform all pudged up and heaving because it’s too tight to breathe in, then I kind just ignore the thought and eat away. But really, I’m promising myself to eat healthy, not less, but healthy. It’s impossible that I eat less food, especially since it’s summer and I’m trapped. We’ll see about that in June.

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Solitude. I find myself introspecting usually in the afternoon. I look outside and think of the future. Soon, I’ll have (hopefully) graduated this time next year. And I think to myself, what am i going to do next? When I was in elementary, I was like, yeah there’s high school I don’t need to panic. Then in high school, there’s college so no worry over there. Then college, what? It’s like I’m in the middle of the crowd with ten million pathways to choose from, and I’m worried that if choose wrongly, it’s going to ruin my life and I would be sad if that happens. My cousin just graduated (congrats, ay!) and it got me thinking. Sometimes too, I think of the places I could travel if I had money. But I really hope someday that dream will be in realization. Que sera, sera?

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I dream of the places I’ve never been in. I feel at home to places I’ve never step foot in. It’s amazing how I love to travel. I mean, i don’t explicitly say that to my parents, but it’s difficult. No words could define how I would want to travel, anywhere, everywhere! And now that I’m 20 and I guess, pretty mature, I thought of it. And it’s kind of a relief to me, reaching this age means that I am closer to getting what I really want, travel the world. Fingers crossed!

So, this is so far what I did on the first of summer. Pretty soon, I’ll look like a weird twenty-year old, all brown and flaky from the beach. But hey, that’s what summer’s about right?

PS: I’ve been listening to this band called Daughter. I love their songs. Reminds me so much of how I feel when I’m all snuggled in my bed, with my earphones and laptop. It’s all good.

Draco

I have been a big fan of the Harry Potter series for –well, I think all my life. And I don’t need introductions, everyone knows who Harry Potter is, right? We all know the boy who lived, the chosen one, the guy who killed Voldemort and lived happily ever after. Well, I’ve been watching the series again lately, and since everyone always talked about Harry Potter, I’ve taken into thought the case of Mr. Draco Malfoy.

Draco Malfoy is a Hogwarts student like Harry. In Hogwarts, if you must know, there are four houses of magic, Draco belonged to the house of Slytherin. Now, the Slytherin house is known for its traits such as cunning, resourcefulness and ambition. Salazar Slytherin, founder of this house, believed that Hogwarts students should only house students who possess pure magical blood, in this case, both parents possess magical traits. His parents are Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black Malfoy. Lucius, is a death eater. A death eater is a form of entity slash wizard who serves the Dark Lord himself — Voldemort. Narcissa is a member of the Black family. This magical family is rumored to be cursed, sons and daughters go astray or do evil things (except Sirius Black). So basically, Draco comes from a dark magical family, which made sense that he becomes awfully cruel to the chosen one, Harry.

Well yes, he does a lot of naughty and cruel things to Harry but I believe Draco is a boy with good potential of being a skillful wizard someday – maybe it is destined that he always belonged in the dark. In the 5th film, Half-Blood, which I am currently watching, highlights Draco’s inability to kill Albus Dumbledore, the school headmaster. Always followed the orders from his father, cut him some slack, you guys. He’s been living his life without his control. He was tasked to kill Albus by the order of Voldemort. In this time, Draco becomes a death eater. As I watched him run away from the school grounds looking regretful and filled with remorse, I can’t help but feel sorry for this antagonist that I have hated for the last eight years.

He missed the chance to enjoy being a teenager, being given cruel orders by his father and Voldemort. When he looks back at the shattered windows before he exited the school, he remembers his first day, when he got sorted into Slytherin and felt welcomed by his new family that is Hogwarts. He felt excited getting into his first classes and even though he didn’t get top marks, he felt safe and secure. Draco’s first quidditch match was exciting for him, although they did not win, he enjoyed the fact that his teammates did not scold him when they lost, and congratulated him for a good game. Draco felt strange emotions when he saw young ladies passing by and smirking at him in the school lobby, and even though it made him feel strange, it was something real. And taking a girl to the Yule Ball might freak him out a little bit, but it was always be a memorable night for him. That night he felt as if he could offer her the world.

But as always, the antagonists often lose the battle. Actually, Draco is not the antagonist, really. He is Harry’s school enemy, but a good friend in the end. The Deathly Hallows shows Draco and his family retrieving from the battle and living a peaceful life somewhere else. Somehow, it got me all thinking, Draco was just a victim of bad luck. He now has the right to determine his future, and in this case, he will not be taking orders from anyone anymore.

Draco Malfoy was a misunderstood guy. People just don’t realize this yet.

Is it strange I’m writing a whole lot to a fictional character, and not the protagonist? Oh well.

PS: If ya’ll want to know about Draco, visit here.

Add New

I’ve been patting my fingers in the keyboard for 5 freaking minutes. I just wanted to write (in this case, type) anything, anything at all. Just to get my mind off things. I wanted to endlessly scribble down and say all the crappy stuff I’ve held on for far too long. I am supposed to write about all that, but when I get home, I seem to be reminded of all the good things I have, so I forget it for a while. What am I supposed to write about now? School — still the same, crappy, I’m actually annoyed most of the time, struggling to finish off paper works by the end of the month. It’s ironic since we’ve been given 2 days without any homework just to concentrate on this research but I haven’t done ANY progress. God, I need to learn my lessons sometimes. I enjoy procrastinating, to the point where I find other people to procrastinate with me. Oh well, same old, same old. I’m supposed to be writing about how I am — well, I’m in the brink of destruction.This is it, this is what they’ve been saying about the hardest semester in the history of Psychology. Rather than concentrating on my academics, I find myself strolling in bookshops, reading endless fascinating lists, re-watching episodes from HIMYM and the Harry Potter series. This is the fear. I fear that when I become older, I become so accustomed to this “chill” environment that I may not be able to motivate myself more. Because honestly, I am not motivated to do anything right now.

 

Well, that was cheerful.